Journal 2!!

My summer site folder overhaul that extended into fall has finally been pushed to neocities. the feeling of everything going green on the recursive push was truly a "I got it" moment. I've never felt such relief release all at once. Unfortunately I forgot about spell check so a bunch of stuff leads to broken images right now.

Currently I gotta scour through all the pages and make sure everything works properly, then it’s back to the fanfic portion which is less of posting fanfics and more of writing them…. Not the spell checking, I was thinking about case sensitivity… What are you doing next with the site? Probably fixing the case sensitive stuff and then working on writing things. Maybe also reducing the amount of expletives/swears, I don’t really need to be like a sailor, I should’ve left that bad habit behind in college and it makes it a bit more difficult to figure out if I should leave the site as PG-13 or PG-16. Gotta have less bombs all over and that was definitely also a tumblr habit. (But replacing F*ck with Fluff and Sh*t with crap is gonna make me feel like I got sent to a children’s cartoon.)

Learning one of my linked pages is shutting down as I posted it as one of my social medias on neocities is certainly harrowing Like I inadvertedently accidentally shot myself in the foot by going onto pillowfort to go “hey guys I did it” and then seeing •OH NO COHOST IS DEAD•

I liked cohost, it was like the first spot I went whenever I wanted to talk about some random niche pokemon thing that came to my mind first thing and the vibes were definitely nice, like, I really liked seeing glueblade’s daily pokemon posts, that was a thing that made me go “yay” whenever I saw the art. Like it wasn’t a super judgmental site and I’d always be surprised when I posted about a thing and it took off because most of the time whenever I posted something on tumblr it would kinda just be like a message in a bottle, unopened. I think Twitter is too much of a PvP enabled zone for me to set foot there to post opinions and mostly I’d just keep retweeting like memes and things. Unfortunately this means that aside from same.energy the only place that gets me Art that I want to draw like is Pinterest. Note: Don’t go back to Pinterest.

Discord’s not really it for me either aside from my own smaller friend groups because I’ve just been burned out on large groups where more or less you can be entirely forgotten based on how large the group is and how many people are typing and also extreme main character syndrome for users and also possibly a person who just decides to have beef with you just because your profile pic is bothering them or something. Or you know when you’re like having a nice convo with someone and then someone else jumps in and it’s like “who is this person” and no one ever like moves to DMs or threads or anything, it’s so not useful for forums and doubly less useful for like information when it’s hoarded or when you finally find a link that hasn’t succumbed to rot to ask and then get sent to a FAQ poll and then they don’t even answer the question correctly. Note: not based wholly on personal experiences but I’ve witnessed these types of things. Not really hoping for a “big group” I think is what I mean.

Pillowfort is fine but I just completely forget to actually post things there because cohost was a lot more helpful in terms of the read more cut off basically stopping me from going and making like 20 mile long posts which was also a tumblr habit.

I think maybe I have a dichotomy of second guessing myself and feeling like the way I say things is way too overly hostile even though like, I have an opinion on things, and like, they are time capsules of the way I particularly feel as I write about them, like, I don’t have a double checking or editing process, these are more or less just flow of mind thought dumps that parse as incomprehensible to anyone but me but like, otherwise if I didn’t have them anywhere they’d die forgotten And maybe they should’ve? Idk. Sites already up, people can look, who cares.

There’s a gap in my life called “maybe I’d be a different person if I had a PlayStation instead of my family only buying Nintendo stuff because my video game thing was a way to shut me up as a kid and it just never left my life as an adult and now I’m out here writing articles and journal entries on a children’s anime like that’s a normal thing to do.” I mean, yeah, it could be, people get paid for reviews, but I’m basically just taking tumblr liveblog energy and putting it onto the site. Aside from neocities site stuff and ideas, like I said, I’m back to job hunting. Recently I’ve been back on GaiaOnline and locking into playing pinball for platinum, so I feel like maybe I can get more outfits I want and start putting them here as like… idk. The vision. I’m not sure what I’m doing, I’m spitballing ideas. The concept for November/Winter is more of chasing down all of the ideas I’ve had and tying them down to a visible written type of thing instead of just “idea and elaboration.” I need prose. And more templates. I know this entire place is a Frankenstein template nightmare but like my fully original code is nightmarish and the template is better for me to reign in what I’m doing and even then I’m still bricking people’s templates.

I’ve got til October 1st til cohost gives me a backup, I’m probably gonna keep posting as is firstly because like it was really the first place aside from pillowfort I went to post tumblr explosion. I’m not mourning a site that’s not dead yet. Then I might use the back up data to make like an archive here. I’m gonna miss it as a place that didn’t feel like super aggressive based on whenever I was on the site (which wasn’t often since the whole point of moving to alternative social media was to use it less and get more into doing my own types of things instead of always sitting around on sites making posts for content and watching videos for the algorithm.) I hope pillowfort doesn’t sink too, but at that rate I’d just go full in on neocities. And if neocities goes down then I think I’d just give up on the internet and only post like, fanfic in my friend group or something. I don’t have a particular thing for like. Views. Or a follower count. This is more or less just my space where I exist and say things, I guess. Not really hoping to put many labels on myself on a person either because like, I kinda want to exist, but not to be a person where you know every single uncomfortable detail about me even though a lot of these journal entries have been nothing but uncomfortable entries. I’d rather be a cat. In terms of gender and sexuality it’s more or less like sorry, I’m completely boring and cis and het but leaning towards having no romantic pursuits whatsoever because I feel like my personality is a wet napkin.

The thing causing the most trouble was the gallery not only because of image evaluation to collages but also because I straight up forgot about some sketchbooks since I have so many so I had to scan those too and evaluate them and there’s a massive quality gap in terms of the photos because I only learned a better scanning method later on. Also, the compression method from the melon gallery maker made it go from like 100 MB to 33 MB and I think I went “oh god the quality” and at that point I just went like “this is fine actually. Whatever. I don’t care.” I do care. I care a lot. But I’m gonna be at it like for the rest of the month if I don’t just stop. So I did.

I’ve set up some actually completed fics on the site in html format but I haven’t actually converted them yet which is something I will work on later on. The fanfic update will be like. Post November. I’m thinking about clean up November instead of NaNo.

I don’t think I have the energy and time in my life to write like a 50,000 word draft and then have to sort through that draft So for NotNano I’m going with Short Story Writing Month - 5 stories of at least 2,000 words each. Because I feel like writing like 100 or 400 words a day works a lot better than like 10,000 I think my arm would hurt.

I have this problem where I talk too much and I’ll work on cutting down on stuff so I don’t come off as this vapid type of person I guess, I could probably do better with not giving out a bunch of uncomfortable details... My online image is different from IRL to the point of total alienation. I feel like that’s a 50/50 chance and I’m not gonna be like a brand, this is just my spot. Look I have worries that I’m perceived as a dull flighty complainer sort of person but I have no where else to put these like… unnecessary feelings. If I could, I’d throw all of them out in a heartbeat. Like if I could take all of my bad aspects and kill then off, it would be better for everyone else, but I guess I have to embrace and accept I’m human.

What even got you back into neocities Idk I was bored as hell doing job hunts and I was like “I need an outlet” and then since playing video games wasn’t really like an “in” I was on pillowfort and then I was like “wait, don’t you have a neocities already” and then it was nothing but the FF14 stuff and I went “yeah let me just uhhhh, make a new site but keep the old HTML stuff as a time capsule”

Starting a thing but dropping it for a new shinier thing, blaming college and my attention span, but when will I as a human being and individual move on…? The most difficult part is that now I’m like “no I am not going back to tumblr” and like with how openly hostile the site was with nearly every single post for years on end and the thing that finally made me go “nope” was how much of an ass one of the guy’s staff was. Last time I think I heard tumblr was moving to Wordpress’s server and like, why though? The most I do is my daily clicks and like I can’t keep up with every single thing that staff does and constant callouts as to who’s on what side and amounts of false info like I took a look and I felt like while I was in my last year of college and I said “I don’t wanna do this anymore.” I feel like it came about after my following increase during my FF14 era and then I kinda dropped everything aside from the webcore blog because that’s the only part I found myself enjoying anymore. 10+ years flushed down the proverbial internet hole. Like the funniest part is my humor has been warped forever and I associate the election season with that guy from supernatural being sent to hell

You see there was also another reason why I needed to push the site update because it turns out that in between I had managed to get like through multiple shows and seasons while working on the site revamp offline. The hypothetical of I finished the entirety of naruto part 1 including the filler before dropping the site update would be… I would feel nothing but metaphorical shame for the rest of my life because I spent nearly the entire summer on Naruto and like July to August on the site and like it’s bizzare to say “I finished filler hell instead of working on my website” I wouldn’t want that.

Anyways that’s why I had to finish up the gallery pronto even though it turns out the one I spent all that time getting wasn’t mobile friendly either and all the time I spent for the inspo gallery was busted and more or less making the collages drained years from my life evaluating all my artwork and going “what the heck is that thing” because a lot of stuff I drew during sessions were either OC stuff or me picking up a fandom trend and honestly I think a ton of the OCs I made might’ve just been made on MapleStory design lol

It’s MapleStory and Kirby all the way down I’m thinking I’ll turn the other page into like a status page after I push the site update for like agenda purposes The graduation and car thing were both fairly recent developments of this year, so I’m in that transitional floaty period of “your age is an adult, but you’re treated like a child, and you still do childish things, and you have no real interest in becoming an adult at a seemingly fast rate, but you’re alienated from people around you no matter what age period because the one thing for communication that is primarily used is video format and is something you have no interest in whatsoever”

Last time my old therapist told me a few things but I’ve never actually gotten a confirmation so I don’t want to put it on the website proper… like I feel like it would be disingenuous if it’s not the case at all. I mean it would be nice to have an official diagnosis but like last time we got anything was when I was a kid and it might’ve been OCD and no one ever followed up on it. I get constantly downplayed with people going “Well, I also have traits of what your (the only person who has a diagnosis) has, you’re just attention seeking and have a victim complex” and like, what if they’re right and I get a diagnosis and I’m completely normal. Like then it turns out personality wise I’m just hardwired to be like a mouse screaming whenever anyone gets too close to me. Personality wise I’m abrasive and second guessing so I dunno…

I found my old DS and the y button got shredded because of the legendary starfy 5’s final boss where you have to mash the Y button
I was always lazy so I’d just use a pen to do it instead
By scratching back and forth
It's so small, it basically fits into the palm of my hand... It's cute, but also sad. I guess it's over for it though, the battery doesn't work anymore. It's dead.

i hate video learning so much
god i wish these lessons came in powerpoints

maybe i am an amoeba, or a sponge, where all I do is look at jobs from indeed and ziprecruiter and take notes on corporate videos from the department of labor and courseera and go to recruiter and networking meetings and am squeezed like a napkin and wrung dry and said i am not doing enough. then i'm getting asked "are you even doing anything worthwhile" like i'm not sitting here on the daily doing job hunts and going to meetings and reading emails and the moment i start scrolling to read I get accused of not working even though I have to open a ton of tabs because of a ton of job applications and the mouse has to move
Look, you got mad at me with the hobby thing but now that I'm taking online classes that aren't certified to boost my resume suddenly it's a waste of time and…
I try to take half days on Friday and I get laughed at and made into a family joke. I still do not know what agile or scrum is and i'm afraid to ask. i keep getting told i have to learn them but it completely slides out of my head.

if i vanished off the face of the earth, the only thing left of me would be this site, maybe, and other social media I’ve posted on. IRL would just be a bunch of academic rewards that mean nothing.

well, that fucking sucks lol. that's why I guess I'm working on this site almost for... when did I start doing all these edits, July? This place was literally just dormant for 2 years after I finished it with FF14 content.

jrpg battle themes really get me to lock in but i sure wish i was reading text instead of listening to the world's most BORING and dry skillsoft videos possible

The fact that the entire country is in a hiring freeze and I keep getting multiple hits with YouTube saying we’re in an economic crisis and even my friends being like “yeah no one’s hiring” and I’m still forced to spend every day job hunting while knowing it’s not working… way to drive a person nuts. Then everyone in my direct family is putting their heads in the sand being like “stop being so negative!” I want to crack my skull open when I’m on handshake, totally normal reaction to job hunts, right?

at this rate though I'm really getting a job at CVS or 7 eleven, this isn't going anywhere at all lmao

Another website shut down that had old games and free episodes up so they could advertise their streaming service again…

What do kids even do on the internet anymore aside from social media? I’m 100% genuine. Like, what is there outside of YouTube and maybe if you know about it, old games? I guess there’s gacha/freemium/loot box games but… is that really it?
Everything’s digitized but in the wrong way. There’s not many kid spots, everything is adult oriented and the kids just hang out in one spot with the adults. Then some adults end up breaking into kid spaces which is… ew.
It’s kinda difficult because all these old websites for flash games are gone and the only thing left is mobile apps because computers are now old tech when you can just get triple AAA quality games on your phone or loot box simulators. I still remember when like, Dragonvale was the game my kid self played on my sibling’s tablet like every day and now I’m like “eh, that was alright.”

I have that dissonance of being in two different states of the internet and whenever I went to my peers “you remember that?” They don’t.

Purely digital media can be pulled whenever and fade away once pirating sites are killed. Not everything in the vault is accessible or completed. Jetix isn’t even fully on Disney+. Old games are just gone if they aren’t in the company vaults. Preservation of old internet stuff can be wiped off the face of the world if the internet archive is ever torn apart by copyright. And they don’t care for old products as much, not for cartoons, not for the games, it’s all just for the latest product, because who would want to play OLD things? We’ve got plenty of reboots and nostalgia baiting things instead of creating anything new to be alongside the old stuff instead of jerking your chain by bringing back outdated things!

Everything is fading like grains of sand…
Actually it turns out they just changed the domain name, false alarm.

Anyways I got sidetracked by Neopets again and I was like “a lot of people probably made like layouts and stuff, right? Imma study those!” Instead of just using w3 schools. I need more responsive images. Instead of dumping code I find from a random bookmarked reentry, I should focus on making the site look a lot nicer while also dumping code from the random bookmarked reentry. I’ve redownloaded it so I’m gonna work offline for a bit. I mean it! My deadline’s been extended to the end of August. There’s gonna be a lot more folders in the future.
Kinda wish neocities had a feature that let you upload folders as is instead of having to make the folder and then dump everything in it. Deleting and then re-adding everything is going to be a mess, but I can't mount the site because I'm a freemium person to the end. I will live and die on the F2P hill.

I doubt I’m gonna try reaching out heavily to places online anymore because I kinda thought about it and I don’t really want to deal with private discord DM flinging and petty in fights and I'm not the best at discerning emotion through text. Plus chances are with my inability to focus on one topic I'd end up stepping on someone's toes and I look like a walking disaster who would give out way too much traumatic information to the point of making everyone uncomfortable. I don’t really have much to say these days that I should keep private, so that's what the IRL journal is for. It doesn't seem to be working well.
I’m gonna stick to hanging out with my personal friend groups instead of large online groups. I’m probably never gonna get younger generations because I can barely understand my own, so anything that trends on TikTok is basically unknown to me which gets me alienated even by my family because I don’t watch them because I know I’m going to be the person who just endlessly doom scrolls. Also seeing my parent be a phone addict where they have to be listening to something and if their phone dies they start hovering near the charging area creeps me out. They keep saying i need to get TikTok and it feels akin to a person being like “come on, one sip won’t hurt!”

I’m also adding my content filter back, I get way too distracted with checking out random time wasting games and sites instead of working… I will make it so that I can work online without being distracted by 20 billion other things. It is possible! I will make it happen! I might have to go full scorched earth... It’s best for my scatter brained brain to go full block mode so my brain can eventually be so bored that I’ll have to go back to doing other things! There’s too many options to site hop towards. So in the end you end up completely distracting yourself by doing everything but the things you want but also your attention is divided between everything there too.
I’m really gonna miss some reddits though, they showed me a bunch of HTML stuff and trivia, like I feel like data hoarder being gone is going to hurt me because I used to check in there.

I got New Horizons 4 years ago and did a revisit…
It’s been a few years.
Maybe my islands got too much baggage attached to it
So I decided to downsize. I ended up on Dreamy* V2 trying to grind at night because I really reset before server maintenance and waited for it to come back so I could upload from my Nintendo network account.
(Dream as in Kirby’s Dreamland.)

Feels like this game was really like the encompassing thing of the pandemic with a lot of people exhausting all their time into making the island look as nice as possible and min maxing it and having like forest core and fairy core and beach core and cottage core type beats (you can tell I was a tumblr user.)

But in terms of my past island…

There was no vision here at all, it was all just random junk!

I’ll keep some patterns and stuff, but otherwise it’s back to basics on Dreamy island V2!

I’m the kind that always ends up getting a ton of weeds for not playing for long time periods in earlier games and just going scorched earth instead of plucking them all.

I forgot you need 30 of everything. That’s a steep spot for a start!

Oh, you don’t get to mass donate? I see.

I’m so glad it’s so much faster to remove weeds in NH… and the weed policy in NL. I should go back to that, it’s where I got the idea for ragon and Myo since I wanted more than just Ketsuban and Ultimus on the island.

I don’t have the online kiosk yet so I’ve just been trying to find old 3ds QR codes and struggling because theyre all on tumblr databases and I blocked tumblr alongside the content filterer.

When I took an ACNH quiz it said I was an Uchi type, the big sister one. But I’m the younger sibling… they got the game and switch for me. Weird.

listened to mittens house and disco mix 1. I like house and disco.
Listened to the Linkin Park reload mashup album (both parts.) They're good.

the family cleaned out the attic and found the old Wii and some books I had as a kid and I plucked the SD card out of it akin to a scavenger grave digging.
Let’s see if there’s photos!
Eh, it's nothing but photos from 2014 city folk. How boring. I’ll put that up on the merch page too.

Need images. But not too many. Because I need a gallery supercut. But also I need room for all the site stuff I want and I don’t want to waste 1 GB if I can make it small. I can’t afford to upgrade, subs to stuff are expensive. I’m used to free stuff anyways.
The largest page is likely to be the gallery or the Eorzea tribute at this point if I decide to go with it...
I figured out a way to combine images with Shortcuts for my phone and tablet so now I know the grids gonna look super annoying. So far though I’ve only been using it for combining pokemon master dialogue I found interesting ( I might end up making a pokemon masters log and lore page…) Being able to combine photos from my tablet and phone will likely lead to many strange images within the coming updates. (I've almost hit 20% of the site storage!) It's surreal to think because the Wii SD card was 128 MB and I could've put the site onto the card...

To me, website coding is aggressively throwing things at a wall based on what little I know about code and using other people’s templates and hoping to god that it sticks the landing or trying to figure out why one piece of particular code is bricking a page (Usually because I forgot to put in a bracket.)

So remember when I was like “what media was I into that I forgot that has sunk into various pieces of quirked up writing habits”.
The hidden link might be danganronpa, my friend loved SDR2’s cast especially Hinata (and Izuru) and everything right up until ultra despair girls and the 3 anime and V3’s ending and then they swore off the series. Same thing happened with them a bunch of other sequels with 3 in their title, I’m suspecting that 3 is a cursed number for them. Super danganronpa another… I feel like if you’ve looked at danganronpa you’ve probably seen that at least once in your recommends. Okay, now I need to give you a timeline, because my sibling had a tumblr, and then I also got a tumblr at one point, which means I definitely was a young impressionable teenager looking at danganronpa. The tumblr's still up, I still remember that I have an entire month just full of people making up stupid lays chip flavors.

Would I be happier if I watched shows and played games meant for adults instead of griping about things made for teenagers and children primarily?
No, I don't really like adult humor as much. And that's a stupid thing, what, am I supposed to become a minimalist greyscale enjoyer for the rest of my life? Nope.

So maybe I got into masters too, but because this is a gacha game I don’t feel like taking 20 billion screenshots so I’m out here taking notes and summarizing like it’s a class. And now I’ve got a masters specific journal in the works too. Remember when I said XY would be my only journal? Now I’ve got like 3 games worth of pokemon playthrough journals…
The thought of a person who only plays mobile only pokemon games and have never played a mainline is terrifying to me. Boy open up Delta and say sike RN. It’s incredibly weird that my tablet can run DS games better than my computer.

I don’t think Nintendo would ever let a full blown freemium gacha game onto one of their consoles unless it’s made by them specifically lest you end up with Dragalia being a severely neglected child until it was killed off, at least it got to finish it’s story.

i'm pretty sure with the way this site is you can tell that pikachu has a stakehold in my brain and as much as people probably would love for me to be quiet with updates pokemon is a sleeper agent in my mind that goes "you NEED to play the pokemon, you MUST see the pokemon, you WILL post your own opinion on things even though you probably just repeat the same points everyone else already has but idk you dont watch pokemon YouTubers ”
so even when I distance myself and watch and play other things I end up going "damn... this would be way different if there was a pokemon here." There's like 1000 of the guys, I'm not getting away from them anytime soon. FF14 was the thing holding it back but as soon as I had nothing going on with that I immediately pivoted back to my childhood interest.
I should probably keep playing yokai watch or my 3DS lineup soon if I get a chance with the way people are… I have a long term schedule now, that’ll help…?

Mario kart ultra shortcuts were some crazy shit, I still remember that video years ago with toadette using the bullet bill kart and how Mr. Bean was top 1 hacker

So the summoning salt led me to go back to watching MKDasher, I knew about them because I used to watch all sorts of video speedruns of Mario Kart.
Then i started listening to tn-shi. Good music, reminds me of when i used to listen to M2U and Nicode.

I haven’t played Cytus or Deemo though, i found those artists through a sprite video alongside Azali.

I am not good at SHMUPS but the philosophy remains of “damn these things have incredible soundtracks”, Steel of Destiny goes hard. Actually, all of the thunder force music I’ve listened to goes hard, same with games like DevilEngine, Eschatos, and ZeroRanger. Chances are I’m forgetting others but I don’t play them, I just watch others. I remember there was one on the Wii ware I only had the demo for and like, the characters switched between red and blue shots. It wasn’t Ikaruga though. Oh, it was Kyotekei.

Closest I’ve ever gotten gameplay wise was whenever Kirby throws one in. Out of all the mini games that have gotten full games, I’m surprised we haven’t gotten one like that. What about Touhou?
I have never played one. I’ve only ever listened to the music and fan content music like the music videos from that one channel that has a lot of them… MarlyFlowerXI.

The Justice Ray being a song split into multiple iterations and parts between games and then one part of it ends up in a cancelled doujin market game that was so bad the creator pulled it from stores and the other in a game that I can only describe as the Dreamcast’s japan only swan song about an RPG about fighting game developers to make sure they complete the game. Broken Thunder’s only saving grace is the soundtrack composed by the same composer for Thunder Force games up to that point, Hyakutaro Tsukumo.
Segagaga is crazy though because no other franchise would make a story about their beloved mascot Alex Kidd lamenting his replacement by a new mascot Sonic and/or have the final boss fight be against a bunch of other sega consoles hijacked by the evil company while the scrapped final boss theme from the cancelled Dreamcast thunder force plays in the background. Like the final boss cutscene where the secretary and the security guards are revealed to be the main characters from Phantasy Star in their full JRPG garb before jumping into the final war against evil Nintendo mascots and the ape escape monkey and various other sega competitors is a ludicrous bit, but no, it is 100% genuine.

Listened to: Jungle in Gaming Mix by Camaz
I heart drum and bass and jungle and r and b and I haven’t listened to anything recent on the radio in years despite having radio apps

Listened to Seycara: Alice in Paris.
The art is so nice looking… I wish I could draw people like that.

Listened to: The Playlist finds you too
It’s very nice music, but doesn’t this make these almost impossible to look up?

I miss when I used to write down things in bullet points instead of rapidly paced roller coaster word puke but too little, too late. Do you think throwing in a divider would help any of this be more legible? (Note: I might be moving a few paragraphs from journals because I want to start up a new kind of journal based solely on writing so there might be some things that looked like they were removed but they just got moved to a different spot.) I don't think these journal entries will ever be cleaned up outside of that because they're more or less capsules of my emotions at the time because I need somewhere to put all my emotions otherwise I blow up. This is why my journal entries also have 10+ swears usually, i don’t do it IRL. More of a vent than anything, huh. They’re the reason the sites rated the way it is.

I'm planning on replacing the current journal icons with Pokespe icons that I’ve saved in a folder. Credits to amayaicons from tumblr for making them, but I mostly stumbled onto them by googling "RP Icons" and eventually finding something by narrowing it because apparently RP is a bitcoin term now. Hate that. (Not many icons for other cast members though but I don't have as much interest in later protags minus Black and White so sticking with the first two gens is fine by me, they're basically the only ones I normally reread anyways.) I've also been adjusting more site links for things like the navigation map and making things work or attempting to, like making the findings page actually work table wise for mobile. It's a fight. I don't know how HTML works even when I get stuff like templates that should be impossible to break... Sometimes I check the activity site to see what other web people are up to and i get the point that the site is free for all but holy sensory overload, i found a page that was just full of flashing gifs and sparkly effects flooding the page and it wasn’t even a repository. Chill.

This is why despite me wanting to add either a rain or vhs effect i opted not to because it was distracting to me, so I couldn’t imagine what it could be like for others. Or because i'd somehow brick a different page. Still trying to find a layout for the art gallery because it's the only spot that still isn't linked up to other pages and at this rate I might just copy paste the about page layout again.

(Like example, why does the FF14 site loop around? It's a feature to keep the way it was in place--lying, it's because if I put a way back to the any part of the site I might break another thing.)

I've been trying to think of the first thing I've ever truly been a fan for and its a toss up between sonic, kirby, and pokemon, but I feel like i've been a sonic fan longer than i was into pokemon? Like I recall being into Pokémon but only at a surface level of attention, I don’t think I ever did the stuff I’m doing now with paying attention to plot and characters and themes until much later in my life (probably started during SUMO based on the drawings reflecting the pre-release period.) Pokemon is like the most “normal” franchise I can think of where everyone has heard of it or seen an episode at least once. It’s more or less the only Pokémon things I cared about as a kid were either Spe arcs up to BW because that's when they started hitting my school during scholastic fairs or select anime movies (1,3,4, the Jirachi one, and the deoxys one) and the games I only cared about team building. Despite being good in literature classes i guess i never paid attention to other media types until later. I definitely used to be a person mashing A whenever the story came up until maybe BW...?

the energy of what is the connecting overlap between all the fandoms i've ever been in when I was younger and the answer would be "idk... children's media marketing." which does not help you figure anything out in the slightest to narrow down what's most influential because i watched sonic flash animations and played sonic flash games at the same time i would read pokemon nuzlocke comics on smackjeeves or play Pokémon tower defense or click eggs on Poliwagger or GPXPlus. there was an entire subset of nuzlocke culture that got completely overtaken by the YouTuber thing. Like people just used to play nuzlockes and make comics about them and now its all about challenge runs and spreadsheets in public perception. there's still some fics and comics but much less so. Then at one point I started reading through archie sonic and then archie megaman because I still have reboot comics in the house somewhere and maybe at one point watched a huge chunk of the battle network anime on that one megaman battle network fansite? I thought bass.exe was very cool (he is.) Capcom sound team was working some incredible magic for the battle network OST.

Anyways, maybe my first fandom website experience would have to have been kirby though, more specifically, rainbow resort, which hosted the kirby adventure squad comic, which brought me to smackjeeves, which i followed extensively for sprite comics until the site was bought out for a webtoons clone and it kinda started my first foray into internet archiving and the fact that nothing truly is permanent online. Oh yeah, I used to be in animal crossing community too back with wild world but I never figured out the wifi thing and I had to ask one of my parents for help (the one good with IT).

Being into sonic as a kid and also wanting a girl character to relate to was truly hell at one point because like games wise i only had amy (who's character swung like a pendulum) or Blaze (only exists in two games plot wise and spinoffs) or Rogue, and comics wise I had Sally (who's character swung like a pendulum) , Nicole (I liked Nicole), and Bunnie (I liked Bunnie) and then you also had to deal with most sonic fans going to war over Amy, Blaze, and Sally over who was the best girlfriend for Sonic. I do not want to recall more. So I ended up focusing on just Sonic and being like "the boys are cool!" and that was that. I don't think I'd ever have a shrine for any franchise I've been into because I don't think I get characters beyond basic reading levels or some random trivia and people are very dedicated to their characters and I don't want to say the wrong thing and then characterlover7850 comes for my head going "I LIKE THIS CHARACTER MORE THAN YOU AND YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT THEM" and I'd duck my head going "oh shit!" Do I worry too much about other people sometimes? I’ve had to do that my entire life… (；￣Д￣)

There was also tails, who I thought was a girl because of the VA, which was not the case, and then I learned he was only 8 years old, which made me realize that some characters ages for stories just do not match up to the things they do, because when I was a kid I thought he was 10 or maybe 11 because it's not like I had manuals or anything, all I had was emulated sonic advance 1-3 and episodes of sonic X on demand. Cream is nice, but she's also a child and I don't recall any personality traits she has outside of being polite, I mostly played her in sonic advance 2 to shred bosses with Cheese, because Cheese is awesome. I do not have anything else to say on Sonic because I'm not a Sonic aficionado, most I've done is dabble in classic playthroughs and read bits of Archie Sonic and watch youtube reviewers talk about Sonic (the worst way to be into Sonic.) I'm hoping that when I have the time to work on my steam purchases which were mostly Sonic I can correct this grievous mistake.

now i'm trying to remember if i was more scared of exe or lost silver or the bleeding eye jigglypuff thumbnail as a child and it was definitely exe because i remember like being a kid and going "noooo, sonic would never kill his friends!" (Obviously that’s not the case now, EXE is a joke and all over the damn place because of attaching to FNF mods like a parasite, Retribution is cool though but that’s literally just a bunch of sprite fights) I also used to be into Minecraft YouTube before the SMP types so herobrine was definitely there at one point. … eh…. ?🤨 Where do YouTube poops count in this discussion…Maybe they shouldn’t. ( Considering that I started off watching SMBZ as my foray into sprite fights my tolerance for seeing sonic character’s get brutally owned likely started from there as me just accepting that everyone in his cast was super kill able because they were not sonic and therefore not him

But .exe never goes much past classic because Shadow is right there and I mean like sure there’s a thousand rewrites that could now but I’m talking about the classic one that existed in the cultural sphere in the 2010s who is not a cosmic horror and just a demon haunting a cartridge/CD/ whatever )

(Really hard going through my YouTube likes playlist nowadays because a big chunk of tubers I used to watch as a kid all turned out to be weirdos in some form. )

no, thinking about this, this list really doesn't help much at all because it truly was an overlap. Like where do I account for every cartoon I ever watched, like ying yang yo or something I read like Calvin and Hobbes or bone or the nicktoons airing of DBZ? Do I count stuff like pepper Ann and all grown up because my sibling watched that and sometimes I watched? How do you qualify as a fan of something, just by watching it? But even that doesn’t apply to me because sometimes I half ass paying attention and then I have like the most normal level “everyone knows that” takeaways possible. Like my death note viewing is probably not that different from the average viewpoint. digimon was there, at one point, but only early dub stuff and I never got to something like frontiers because I was like "they become digimon?!"

maybe it was just early kid's western media dubs in general, i did like winx club as a kid to an obsessive amount (but only the RAI dub and some of the 4kids one and not the nick one), total drama, code lyoko, w.i.t.c.h, and I watched Bakugan and beyblade metal saga whenever they came on and I do remember watching new seasons past metal fusion in the subs and one time when I was on a cruise ship I wanted to watch the debut episode of the dub to hear what masamune sounded like but my parents were in charge of the TV and changed the channel to the news. (Those 2 are funny example wise because im pretty sure they were voiced by Canadians.) This is the same cruise I think I saw kingdom hearts 2 in, people were playing as roxas and I wanted to as well but I got dragged off to do something else. (Why I can only remember random ass events like this and nothing else has been a concern but whatever.) (judging by the Wikipedia date for beyblade, this would’ve been when I was like, 10 years old.) Every single vacation has been taken against my will and has been clownshoes with any family member because they’re all obsessed with being tourists and following a fucked up itenary where we have to hit 30 different places in a single day and spend $100s of dollars on t shirts and souvenirs. My idea of a nice vacation is cheap and local and relaxing but no one matches my vibes.

Most things I've been a fan of have been pretty normal things for fandoms, huh. Nothing really makes me stand out or be unique because like, everyone's probably been into sailor moon, or dbz, or pokemon, or yugioh, they were immensely popular like…It's just the way I talk about them that sounds... weird. Or just in general I'm weird, like my music shuffling and youtube rec playlists is basically unpassable to my sibling who describes it as "creepy mall music that makes me feel like I'm in disney epcot at night and there's fog." And then the Killer was there, and the president evil, idk.

there was also a very recent (NOT ANYMORE THAT WAS 5 YEARS AGO???) stint when i was in community college where i mostly just watched yugioh gx before classes while eating lunch and drinking chocolate protein drinks (sometimes they were expired but not all the time.) i don't think i ever finished it though, i got to season 3 and then stopped because I went to actual college. I liked manjoume san-da, I’ve got a thing for rivals who start off as pricks and then develop and mellow out but still stay prickly, I liked his ojamas and loserish tendencies. You know, them naming a prominent Yugioh character after an Ivy League university in the dub is the funniest shit. Imagine a guy whose last name was like Cornell.

GX was an entire thing of revolving rivals for Judai/Jaden though and plot points, it legit felt like mad libs at one point because the thing is there’s legit plots but out of context it’s the most insane nonsense you’ve ever heard about evil space rays and cults and zombies and your senior came back to college for the battle royale and he’s got heart disease and he's wearing a shock collar because he got into underground fighting rings because he wasn’t prepared for anything outside of college since he was hyped up as the best and never taught what if he lost and the collective force of human despair attacking students who are about to graduate and don’t know what they’re gonna do post graduation. You know, with card games.

"oomf" (did i use that right) used to be into persona so for a while i was one of those types who'd watch videos on persona to try and understand it. which means i have a bit of semi grazed (...glazed? glanced...???) over persona info since they were into oldsona. local persona fan has never finished a game ahhh beat over here. I still remember when I first played arena ultimax with them and i knew none of the characters and I just played Rise and completely beat up Adachi without really knowing what I was doing or who those characters actually were. (The same thing happened again when I accidentally started a melty blood tournament in my high school and I picked Hime/archtype earth and completely swept because no one knew how to play and other people didn’t know how to react to Neko Arc being like, the creature. This was before she became popular, like pre type lumina release.) The thing is when I wasn’t playing video games as a kid I was probably watching other people play video games I couldn’t get because my family could usually only get like one game twice a year based on how much it was so really most of my games were emulated at some point, which is where the youtuber problem happens. This is why I mostly have switched to just watching speedrun playthroughs and cooking videos and music playlists.

I guess I was a smash bros fan when I had played Brawl in the brief window with my friend when the Wii was still relevant and then I bought it for 3DS and some DLC and paid attention to ultimate’s trailers (yes I did fall for the grinch leak.) (the amiibo thing really was a scam in hindsight, people really did things like stealing trucks or hoarding them like the redacted guy) I still wish they had any new echo fighters added like protoman, or a new Pokémon trainer (I was thinking rival Green with Eevee, Tyranitar, and Pidgeot to fill out the kanto trio), or Shadow or Tails, or the octolings, Ninten, funky kong, or basically anyone they could’ve made a clone of instead of just adding in three new characters and dropping the term? Huh?

I had an old writing thing where I was trying to rewrite older works from middle and high school and I think I found everything I was looking for by accident, I was looking through some flash drives I had and found a lot of files... Hoo boy. Now if only I could find a nice writing template for neocities, I probably still wouldn’t have much to post because knowing me my writing’s nothing but bullet points, no prose, no descriptors at all. Maybe I’ll work on short sentence stories then? Like just so I can have Something. I'm also putting in my old tumblr writing blog's posts once I get that nice template. Need to parse through all the files there too instead of working on my actual WIPs but so far the file of every single thing from the drive is 100 MB which I can't just dump because it would be 10% of the site and I want every MB to count. Not all of them will be rewritten in a way to fit them into my new fandom, I'm just gonna select the ones that can work. Also, I might be moving a few paragraphs from journals because I want to start up a new kind of journal based solely on writing. These ones might stay here context wise for now, I guess. I've also started a media journal, so now some stuff has been moved again!

I think there’s some kind of horrifying age invisible deadline where people are gonna be like “lmao look at this loser at age 30 still doing this dumb nonsense” but really I need somewhere to put this energy because everything else in my life is so goddamn boring that I might as well embrace cringe. My online self reads as a teenager writing wise and message wise and I get too excited talking about interests so I end up having severely wrong takes and end up sounding incredibly annoying because no one IRL has any interest in stuff I enjoy. My school account is cutting off soon from MS word so I need to find new alternatives. So far I've already got LibreOffice and OpenOffice. Those were said to be the best ones I think... I like that they're products with no AI integration, we love to see it. I prefer my devices to not be smart.

Communicating is hard and I make things awkward by being too enthusiastic and not letting other people speak and IRL I’m too boring and mediocre or I switch to being annoying because I'm so attention starved I unintentionally drive people away. Talking is hard. It's the hedgehog's dilemma, because how do you extend? I'm a prickly person because being lonely is easier than getting hurt by showing yourself. Being real is hard. It’s scary to want to be friends. When I’m disliked, it makes me sad and I run away. It happened with a group in college. Before the pandemic, and I never truly recovered.

I didn’t have many friends in college after that either, maybe coworkers but I got voted off my position so they could have their own friends there. When the pandemic happened I kinda froze and I haven’t had many achievements to signify the passing of time. So it still feels like I’m 19…but I’m 23… and you know, It still feels like much hasn’t progressed. It might be a bit awkward for anyone to read this and go "way too much info, stop traumadumping" but I feel like saying that I'm an actual human being with feelings isn't something I'm allowed to do IRL and it has to go somewhere and putting on a performance act of always being happy and positive on discord versus always coming into a public group with problems isn't a good way of going about doing things. The one group I was in I started avoiding because it's like, I wasn't actually posting anything writing wise, I kept projecting onto my OCs but sounding incoherent, I always made myself a pity party person, and the group was somewhat drama filled with members leaving for personal reasons and also because of the media’s story direction. That and I was really fucking annoying on the discord. Most of my problems could be solved if I wasn’t such trash at conveying feelings through text.

But arguments are what tends to happen when you have such a large group of people having debates over topics that the topic in question handled in kind of a way that either hit you in the right way or made you feel absolutely miserable. Measuring human suffering versus living in a blissful utopia with only some dissenters is something that cannot be argued one way over the other because it's the world's largest trolley problem but that’s the most simple thing I can give out without spoiling the entire story at that rate. The thing didn't have any branching pathways so naturally people are going to be heavily dissatisfied with the answer that is pushed onto them. (I feel like another thing to add to this was that the part before this part was like “let’s add depth to the villains!” To the detriment of the next part because people went like “well I wanted to side with the villains even if they do want to kill us all because I felt bad for them”, and meanwhile the main point of the storyline at that point was “YOU HAVE TO LET THINGS GO AND MOVE ON” )

Anyways, I really do feel a bit better now that I try not to be on twitter, I haven't touched tumblr for months since I started checking out other social media and that place has turned into a shitshow last time I was there, and since my timeline on pillowfort and cohost are usually dead I take the time I spent doomscrolling doing other activities, isn't that nice. Feel's like the internet is always a battlefield where everyone has to fight over something for weeks on end and make reaction videos of fights and content farm and engagement bait instead of just being something where it's like "hey guys check out this cool rock I found." The reading media comprehension devil hits hard and I have to see the worst takes possible. They'd fight over the rock too while meanwhile people IRL would be like "hey, cool rock. how's it going." A lot of discourse could be solved if people realized that they could say there’s some things that they liked and some things they didn’t like instead of it having to be this black and white “IT’S TRASH” or “IT’S THE BEST” with no in between. I wish my life was one where I didn't have to be glued to the computer 24/7 to do work, but that's just the way the world runs now, everything is online and obviously me going meticulously monthly on my life situation makes me easier to cyberstalk but I hate taking photos of myself and posting them online (which is a real concern about how people way younger than me willingly give out like nearly all their information, don't people teach about internet safety in classes anymore...)

IRL side comment section: This person finds new ways to piss me off every day because we have a huge ass kitchen at their request right, so HOW ARE YOU STILL INCHING UP RIGHT NEXT TO ME WHEN WE HAVE THAT MUCH ROOM MOVE I HATE PEOPLE BEING BEHIND ME DO NOT BE THAT CLOSE I DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE BEING IN MY PERSONAL BUBBLE AND YOU KNOW THAT

You cannot be that much in my way every single time holy shit Making little side comments every time I even touch something in the kitchen leave me alone but no, i can't even work in my room, i always have to be working on the outside table where they're always sitting and staring at me and when i call them out they say "it's perfectly normal for people to stare" not for long periods of time like you do?! Creep.

really do love trying to actually legitimately voice my complaints of how I feel constantly on edge because of this person's need to call me and monitor me and how I have to drop whatever I'm doing to go fill out their things no matter how small they are (they do not extend the favor to me) and how everything I said was dismissed for the verbatim line of "I'm sending you to military school so you can get used to being yelled at for the rest of your life because nothing you do is more important then what I need because I will never treat you like an adult". Thanks. You're a terrible person. Which makes it very difficult for me to try being a good person and want to improve when I have to deal with every conversation turning into a circular argument where I always have to be wrong and the end result is either feeling violence or headaches or violent headaches. Doesn’t help that there’s also medical issues on top of varied levels of disability between both of us (even though they deny it) where it’s like I constantly have to gauge if I’m being ableist or if they’re just using me as a living excuse to not do things when I’ve seen them pull off marathon feats for other people but when it comes to basic things they’ll instead call for me when I’m three rooms away instead of getting up and their excuse is “I’m working and you’re not and my thing is more important than what you’re doing.”

the cycle of "you need to be wake up early so I can use you first thing in the morning" does not encourage me to wake up, nor do any of my usual personal incentives because the moment i want to do anything for myself you passive aggressively talk about how i'm a terrible ungrateful person and a lazy brat or you start screaming. Why should I believe you when you’re trying to compliment me when I know you give out more insults than praise? Don’t get me started on physical touch. Not from you, ever, maybe when i was a child but as an adult if someone says no to hugs and random back slaps and gets forced into it or randomly grabbed it makes them want it even less.

Then I’m over here completely overwhelmed because I’m being dragged to grocery stores to buy something while the store is already closing and I’m getting more things added to be bought because they say they want to buy one thing and add 10 more and people are waiting for us to finish with the cart and I’m dying of social embarrassment and I hate being in stores when they’re closing down and holding up the workers and this person doesnt care at all. Having to play 20 questions every time I’m called because they dont just say what they need and always talk nonsense and vaguely reference things and whenever I say “it would be easier if you could explain a little better because I don’t do good with directions that aren’t explained and I will literally do only what I’m told to do and not assume I have to do anything else” and instead I get “you need to adjust, not me.” What the hell kind of response is that?

But ya know, one day, I’m going to die. And that’s an obvious thing, everyone dies. But I really don’t want to die early, you know? I don’t want to die and have my life defined by the person who hurt me the most even though in their eyes they did nothing wrong. I don’t want to have my funeral photo photoshopped to fit their god complex. I don’t want to have my life painted over to fit the colors that they want. I don’t want their funeral speech to be about how I was always obedient, always doing whatever they wanted, never arguing unless pushed by the sibling, always neurotic in their eyes, never good enough. But they wouldn’t say that, they’d only say the things that make them sound good and make me sound like the perfect child. They even argued against me being an organ donor because even my dead body is something they would fight about. So if the world really wants to kill me it’s gonna have to try fucking harder because I’m really sick of feeling like I want to die everytime this person dismisses me whenever I try to speak my mind! I want to live, I want people to see that I’m not just my parent’s child, I want to be ALIVE instead of always having to be emotionally dead IRL because the minute I have feelings or ask questions they’re the WRONG ones always. Sometimes I ask myself "when's the last time I was genuinely happy instead of snatching pieces of it? When's the last time I really truly laughed?" And quite frankly, that makes me uncomfortable.

So basically, my mind has been playing "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit and various songs from Linkin Park and Green Day because apparently when I'm mad I default to becoming a mid 2000s teenager music wise. It's kinda funny because a lot of those songs are associated with the AMV era like with the big three and I didn't watch Naruto until my 20s. It feels like something that would've fundamentally changed my life if i watched it as a teen instead of as a grown adult watching a bunch of children with powers be shitheads to each other while training to be super flashy ninjas and the message here is “child weapons are bad” and whatever happens in part 2 which I haven't gotten to yet but unfortunately the most fundamental of the big three to my life has been dbz.

I probably don't fully get naruto now either because I will never understand the brotherly bond within anime shows. Yeah, fair enough. I never had many friends to begin with, so I would never understand it and I either drove them away by being myself (i.e annoying) or because of social embarrassment (my parent once threw a massive hissy fit in front of a club group over something appearance wise to the point I cried and none of them ever talked to me again) I don’t think I have a typical sibling’s bond either. We kinda just hang out. Used to be this kind of hate energy where I felt like they were always sucking up to one parent and I was wary of them because they'd usually snitch on me to the other parent and they were a third parent in their own way because my parents dumped me onto them, and hating the other parent because one parent was high strung and the other was neglectful with the first but totally different with the second (me), but now it’s like the same parent they love (the high strung one) does not love them back at all at the same level they do and kind of despises them. Sometimes they do things that remind me of my parent so I instinctively act out and hurt them emotionally by accident. We're kind of a sad excuse for a family.

Games

Emerald Rogue is so weird, because the one time I just decided to go with an easy mode run I beat it in a day but with the other guy it's been getting pummeled every single time. Battles even in easy mode go from braindead to "the game has hard counters for your team and everything is being walled" which I guess is the roguelike Experience.

The slow and gradual feet dragging of the games brain numbing activities to ensure a big number to the point you don't even realize you're actually progressing is the real magikarp jump experience. Ever since I went impulsively with "gonna beat the game" a few months I did not realize it would actually be like, this boring and brain bothering. I have to get up periodically just to feed my fish and train them. I really could stop, but I didn't, so now I have to finish since the finish line is right there. These games exist just to waste your time with stamina bars where you have to constantly check in for some arbitrary reason. And then I noted that they had a max level limit of 100 and went "oh my god, are they really going to make me get to level 100 in this game?" And they did. I’m incredibly glad this game doesn’t have a gacha and just lets you buy the benefit mons that give out the gimmicks to help the fish. The decision to just get more into it rather than casually playing because I saw Red in it during June and spend every single day checking in to train the fish by waiting is certainly an impulse driven commitment I chose to do. I probably would’ve enjoyed it a lot more if I had continued to play it casually instead of my absolute devotion for around a month. It was kind of fun, but in the end, it was kind of stupid for me to do that. So long, and thanks for all the fish, Magikarp Jump.

I’ve played a lot of gacha games before others basically took up my brain space for gacha and something I can’t stand about them is when their servers shut down there’s just no way to replay them where there’s an offline mode where you can just use the units instead of having to roll for them. Brave frontier, chain chronicle, dragalia lost, phantom of the brave, cookie wars, sinoalice, Dissidia opera omina, KHUX, Priconne, Magia Record, Wibble wobble, Megaman X dive, Pokémon duel, Rumble Rush, Shuffle, tales of link… I spent time on them (but no IRL money) and once they died that was it. I’m not as concerned about Pokémon masters because most Nintendo/TPCi gachas and games outside of dragalia are still running even if they haven’t been updated in years (Pokemon Quest comes to mind), but it’s pretty weird how there’s no industry standard to have an offline version like X Dive did. Plus the amount of money made by Pokémon go is probably enough to keep every single game afloat due to the hardcore players (I haven’t played Go in a long time.) (I also haven’t touched kingdom since the BTS event and you can customize your own cookie now? What???)( I haven’t touched oven break either ever since they added the invoke card Gacha where i then went “stop adding so many goddamn gachas when we only had TWO” and I had to deal with more currencies when the costumes are impossible to get but too expensive to justify using cubes on.)

Mihoyo games have pretty much conditioned people to waste their time with their huge games and it’s trickled down to like every new mobile game because they have to be the next Genshin and have like multiple complex Gacha systems with fucked up rates. Star rail doesn’t have the massive FOMO Genshin has but I remembered the white pharaoh so I’m not going to particularly really fully engage in something from a company that clearly despises my skin color and that time I talked to someone on campus and even his melanin level wasn’t in the game and dude wasn’t even my race. The closest I’ve got is Dehya and even that is significantly lighter. This is why I have a love/hate relationship with gacha because between the gambling aspect and the gameplay loop being fun but turning into a tedious nightmare when you have to play every single day to keep up with events and login streaks there's also a tinge of things that are clearly weird when you think about it for more than 5 minutes. I want to play when I want to play and not worry about banners and FOMO rewards, why can't I just get the character instead of playing a glorified slot machine?

Okay, gacha rant over, back to pokemon.

Ever play a Pokémon game in a different language? I’m feeling kind of impulsive and want to try playing a game in another language so I can force myself to translate and learn better. I’ve also heard that sometimes the dialogue reference wise is vastly different between games (like in RGB the TV’s in French play DBZ instead of Stand by Me.) On the one hand, it sounds fun, but on the other hand, I still have a large backlog, so I’ve got two opposing choices in my head. I’m considering either a Spanish or French playthrough of gen 1 since those are elementary level dialogue wise.

I beat Pokémon X’s postgame E4 rematch and the looker bureau. End of the month I’ll try to update the hall of fame. Still not doing the Y nuzlocke for some reason even though it would probably be better to just do it instead of switching to another game to focus on entirely but since this year is XY based I should probably go back to other stuff like the XY anime… So far, rating’s wise, the chart looks like this. 1. Looker Bureau 2. Main game (pre badge 4) 3. Pokespe XY 4. Main game (post badge 4) 5. Anime (based on the 20+ episodes I’ve seen)

I think I already posted my verdict in the journal for the game but I feel like this is a game I really would've appreciated more if I was online when it first came out because without the connection the game itself is "ok" at best. Probably the best intro for pokemon as the first game minus a few weird difficulty bumps that were caused by my late game restrictions plus my mind being affected by the fact that while I was in the 4th badge to 7th badge area fangame website relic castle got sniped which did not help me have goodwill. The ash anime needs to get it together and get to the good part already. (Why do you call it the ash anime, it’s the only one? Liko’s anime exists now so I like to have things labeled.) Pokespe hits that mid point where I’m like “they used the plot points in game to make a cohesive narrative story instead of it being like the player getting dragged along with sprinkles of plot and I actually cared about the friend group because they were main characters in their own right but it’s probably too much to be properly adapted into anything because of the kids seeing the bodies of the Pokémon and Team Flare consistently trying to murder them. (pokemon being primarily a children's franchise first and foremost makes it basically impossible for anything beyond implications to be shown unless its a different medium but you risk alienating the audience: think of the general public reaction to that scene in origins where charmander was bit or you know, anyone who ever posts panels from pokespe out of context ever to get people in a frenzy.)” Interesting premise but questionable execution. (Which is pretty much my definition of Pokespe at this point past the first two arcs.)

Should I just go “ we ball” and do an ORAS playthrough too? Idk. I already started Sword… I’ll set up my session entries on the gameplay log when I get more progress.

EVO happened and Kazuya Mishima is really bad at throwing people to their deaths Like did he throw him into the lava that makes you be alive or something, HOW.

I haven’t watched any marvel movies outside of a select few and when I did they were either insufferable because my family doesn’t pay attention to movies so they ask me questions about the plot or the other movies were Spider-Man. So maybe I’ve watched like 3 or 4 of them. That being said, I was on tumblr when marvel had all time stocks. It’s incredibly funny to me that they apparently brought back the guy who said he’d never work at marvel as the next villain. (I don’t know a thing about celebrities though, they recast the guy who would be the villain because of him screwing up? I don’t pay attention to the celebrity or voice actor sphere because I don’t get it and I have face recognition issues and it gets incredibly parasocial. I just hope that whoever I talk about turns out to not be a massive asshole or creep.)

So I've been editing a new journal page to not fill out the old one because it was starting to lag like crazy lol but I'm using this more as an online vent diary than ever before and it tells because this entire entry was a hot mess one of my final assignments for a class was just gathering a bunch of footage from stuff to make like a thinly veiled youtube shitpost on various things from the 2000s that are basically like my scattered memories of footage now based on things I enjoyed but no longer am able to fully grasp the context of. I kinda want to reedit it to not have the sound of my voice anymore since I hate the sound of it whenever it's on recordings I got really into stuff like city pop and vaporfunk and mallsoft and all that kind of nostalgiac kind of 2000s things during the pandemic likely as escapism

like a sonic mario megabros AF flash animation isn't going to be 1 to 1 with my memory of it because I had done it in my room on my desktop computer and that thing is gone now the room is painted over to be a more neutral and adult color it'll never be the exact same i still like looking up all those old things but they're basically incompatible with the modern internet i know i shouldn't have been on the websites i was as a kid but that doesn't excuse the factor that i feel like we're too centralized on websites today

it's like a crammed room. where's the nicktropolis of today. why's there no club penguin that hasn't been shut down for illegal activity. why's it all apps with gacha mechanics. i sound like a cranky old boomer but like, it's way too crazy how fast things have shifted to a way where I was looking at the stuff on people's pages and being like "i have no idea what anyone is talking about anymore." I think I had my first age crisis where I was like "what the hell are you talking about" in general based on the pages I saw on the website But I kinda had that during naruto when I was like these are 12 year olds fighting to the death God I hope I’m still not in my 40s and complaining about Pokémon and teenage centric shonen anime and fandoms and I've moved onto normal people hobbies like reading books and crosswords and watching regular TV live action and having a stable job and stuff. That's probably not gonna happen though.

I'm trying to work on my insecurity issues. I need to find a way to work with difficult people and manage my own anger because I feel like a problem is since I was always forced to be on the defense against people now I see everything as a slight against me as a personal attack. That's not the case, but it would explain why my fight flight reaction seems to be busted now where i'm in some kind of fighflight thing IRL. It’s probably an internalized type where we’re hostile because we have different clashing lifestyles where I’m the cat and they’re the corgi who will shred a couch and they need attention and it’s a lot of things like internalized damage and familial damage and physical damage. I’ve got an internalized anger as well because of my perpetual cycle of misery and I need an outlet that isn’t work related so I don’t continuously have burnout. I’m trying to apply what I’m learning from the job lesson thing I've been doing to my own life. Unfortunately I’ll have to give my best shot because the word try has been permanently ruined in my vocabulary due to other people being like “try! Try! Try! Why can’t you do it!”

I believe genuinely most of my current mental problems stemmed from the pandemic revealing that this person was a complete and utter control freak, it was always there but it never got as bad when we were all locked in a single area together and that it revelaed that I wasn't able to adapt to the online sphere as much as everyone around me did. I don't know how in the world I'm supposed to be considered as a functional adult when I still feel like a teenager who just lucked out into getting this far while I'm actually in my 20s because time stopped for me when I was in my freshman year of college. That does not feel real to me. I've graduated only this year and I still feel like one day I'm gonna wake up in my dorm room and go watch an episode at the anime club and run some random event with student council and go scrounge for free books that are given away at the library and waste my night trying to run POTD in FFXIV while sending messages in the 14 discord. No man’s an island but I sure do burn my bridges both IRL and online and at this rate it’s a lot easier to live that way because everytime I do have IRL relationships or online somehow it inevitably implodes on itself either because of me or other people. I need to change the photo of that person in my mind because of the way they were raised in their culture and ableism versus the image of their terror acts from my memories and current actions because really, they're just lashing out. I’ve been told I’m possibly on the spectrum, my old therapist has told me that I have traits of ADHD and C-PTSD.

i've internalized a lot of weird food behaviors because of the way i was guilt tripped over not making food for other people (read: the one person who'd always eat a chunk of the food I cooked and then berate me for being greedy in regards to food whenever I said no) to the point that I just hate breakfast. Or making meals or outright eating sometimes. And I mostly eat preprocessed stuff because this is the same person who hovered over people in the kitchen and screamed whenever anything had the slight smell of being burned so there's that too. I'm not out here saying all my problems would be solved with a mysterious large amount of money being delivered to my bank account but it certainly would solve my financial problems and/or get people off my case 24/7 harping. Not my entire life being a case of extreme burnout defined on this random class i’m taking. considering how last time i said "i want to pursue my hobbies" i got laughed at and it became the family in joke and I don't want to do anything around this person because it's always used against me.

I had a weird blip in my sleep schedule since I went to bed early one night Since I woke up super early like 7 am I didn’t go and immediately get ready and instead played Tomodachi life and a bit of animal crossing new leaf It was kinda nice No one screaming at me that I was lazy Just me and an hour to play in some games. I've always been a person rooted in fantasy escapism and I think I was just naturally introverted. The kind of person who'd be more interested in a book instead of social interaction. I used to go camping with scouts and bring books to read and I'd never get any chapters done because during free time I'd always end up chatting or helping with cooking... Maybe I should try going to sleep earlier instead of always making myself stay up doing job hunting and lessons but my worries was that I’d be called a slacker for sleeping in early since I’m expected to wake up early… Basically, I don’t think this person gets circadian rhythms.

In slightly better news: I PASSED THE DRIVING TEST IM FREE THE PERMIT EXPIRED DURING THE PANDEMIC AND I NEVER HAVE TO DO THAT SHIT AGAIN YEAH The DMV has cursed ass energy that gains power from being in the east coast and relying on the hater power every citizen has Liminal space.

I really did think I was gonna fail though. My leg cramped up and the instructor was dead silent. Anyways I immediately sobbed the same day because I went through an immediate interrogation about job hunting and now it’s like “what can I do that’s actually useful in the workplace” and the answer is shit! Nothing! Everything I want to actually do is worthless! I don’t even know what I actually WANT to do. How am I supposed to make money in this world knowing that my degree is something that people would rather just get an AI to do instead of hiring me? Nobody has any answers but everyone just goes “just be positive :)” like that will magically solve any of my problems.

I’m looking to try playing my 3DS more instead of just wallowing in this absolute clown shoes job hunt and online class situation because I’m always being interrupted to do what other people want anyways, why am I mentally dragging myself through the mud too when either way I’m Sisyphus and the boulder? I even have my 3ds set up, it’s just that I have not been able to get anything substantial done since May. The 3DS lineup for pokemon is pretty good because you can have 2 gens just from VC, Gen 3 remake, gen 6 and 7, and then if you have the DS games you can basically have every generation minus the OG GBA games and that’s pretty good. So when is the switch going to get the VC releases, they have a GB online store, I know LGPE is there but it’s not the same. I know there’s underaged gambling as a problem but they literally released earthbound as 17+ last time because of some depictions of stuff in the game like the drunkenness and the samba and the fact ness fights an cult.

did some more site edits, added more things to the gallery! Finally made it look reasonable because I found flexbox which means the only thing I'm still fighting against is resizing. you're likely looking at that one sprite edit and going "what is that THING" and that thing is some kinda mind goblin that showed up one day because of the melty blood pokemon fighting game idea which i never posted about so if you know nrvnqsr (nero) chaos he's like that but with missingno pokemon as in plural as in the scrapped pokemon which is a statement that will have to make sense one day and that day is NOT today because how in the world do I say "yeah I had a daydream about a subset of pokemon fancharacters and my fanchars in a fighting game and it would just be melty blood pre type lumina" and have that sound normal.

Wow, you love mentioning your fics and OCs, can we see them? No. 😊

I’m hoping to get the merch page to have actual merch but everything is scattered in this house and my photos are all huge so I need to re-edit things. My memory and random photos are all I have to work with… I wish I had the Wii SD card so I could get whatever photos are still on there.

repicked up Sanrio Hello Sweet Days which got renamed to hello kitty sweet village at some point and remember how I was like “Magikarp jump is a game that’s basically textbook definition of game conditioning for time periods” well this game is also one built on that but with the added bonus of also being social media and a Gacha game with FOMO events where you have to wait long periods of time for non guaranteed rolls of stuff which are fashion items I’m pretty sure this silly pokemon spinoff game has inadvertadently mind broken me on every single Gacha ever from now on that has a stamina bar because I’m gonna be like “is this just going to be a breakdown to roll for a big number again where I have to wait an hour 30 minutes unless I get lucky with the refresh on piplup” I’m not sure why i put off the last episode of sand land for so long since i only had one episode left but really charming show.

Steven universe has the beach people and they’re kinda insufferable. I hope they get better past season 1. ff14twt is crazy because since i can't play i gotta piece together the pieces of the plot and so far all i've got is wuk lamat the lion girl and the two headed lizard guy get into a spat because he steps on a taco and he's cutting off people in the highway and appearing in prophetic visions and has apparently made international news because people are thirsting over him. urianger goes to margaritaville was in fact something i hoped to see at least once in my life like i want to see that man sipping on a pina colada i still have ff14 brain sometimes even though its been a few months which leaks into story notes sometimes where i write down "that guy's a drk and his fray is the charaizard" and i nod my head “wouldn't it make more sense for pokemon trainers to be summoners though based on ff14 lore” I will likely elaborate on this elsewhere.

I should've finished the post arr quests but I never got to it because I got sucked into fall guys and I never finished ARR on the final four characters and now my silly PC is an old piece of shit where the wifi doesn't work anymore shoutouts to that person in college i met who was watching the post EW raids and then they carried me through coils of bahamut unfortunately the last parts of MSQ i got to i literally had just met ysayle and i understand bits and pieces of her but despite my major main guy i played on but somehow was never my main being an elezen I was completely distracted by her shiny ass forehead because they zoomed in on it in a cutscene and I wanted to play tic tac toe on it and i completely forgot how fucking big elezen foreheads are and that's why i immediately put the messy looking hair on rene, i remember now that i instinctively wanted to slap his forehead. i had some kind of plot i talked about once for a very lengthy long time in a discord out there but the thing is looking back on it now i was obnoxious and pretentious and i'd set that thing on fire out of embarrassment! it sucked! i think i funelled my mental energy the worst way there! I was 20 and basically had extreme stink vibes there. My bad.

Read my online friend is my real life boss, which was… not what i was expecting at all when i opened it up, i thought it was gonna be a comedy but then only when i finished I read the back and saw that it said BL in the corner so oops.

The FGO summon ticket saga is going I'm pretty sure all my luck is getting sucked into 4 stars I got Vlad 3 and I'm out of tickets and at this rate I'm real close to going "nah" and just going all in with SQ and I know I'll regret it this was supposed to be an F2P no summon FP only run and I'm screwing it up but I did get my boy Mandricardo back now if only Salieri was in this but I'm still in orleans so that's not happening in the slightest (I got him once during the lb promo banner and then NEVER again I wish FGO did event reruns or something instead of this FOMO hell where if I get bored I drop the game and my banner of stuff. So many burned accounts...) I'm aiming to get the costumes now from those quests while using a berserker for extreme monke strats but why do people call ridiculous strats monkey strats anyways? i thought it would be like... cheese strats or something anyways I acquired many summon tickets from mana cubes and I got her which means I will never have luck in this game ever again What is saber lily doing in the friend point summon How did you get there How in the world did I also manage to snag Voyager? I must have anniversary luck.

Been playing cave story encore and since I'm a cave story person I managed to get to labryinth after a few hours of starting. they made the grasstown theme ska which is an automatic plus to me. the graphics are uh. not gonna say much since the whole point is that it's a rescale but it's got some "this will be cave story graphics in 2020 energy" which is funny to think about because I think this is from 2022 so now the joke is outdated since 2020 has been a number

they really just went "hey can we copy the zabuza haku arc but change up a few words" for the curry arc I read a bit of grandmaster of demonic cultivation (MZDS) but I started at volume 2 because they didn’t have 1 I had no clue what anyone was talking about terminology wise but I think I get the gist of it being like… spiritual power? They put Starfy on the NSO! He’s alive! He’s untranslated! I still remember when I brute forced my way through one of the games where they had this puzzle mechanic I couldn’t get because it was Japanese.

Finished the Emerald Arc while I was trapped at the DMV. Reading through old entries and wow, i really do not keep the name thing consistent at all on green and blue for pokemon at all. That’s why I usually just go with Rival and Unused girl, makes my life far easier.

RWBY: I have a love hate relationship where I'm like "I liked volume 1-3", less of later volumes but I did enjoy 4, fell off during 6 when they split up during the haunted cabin and never watched 7 or 8 and the general RWBYcritic reaction made me not want to because of how negative it was and I don't like watching things when I could be afflicted by the hater aura. I did start up a rewatch only to fall apart because RT shut down and then the YT page removed it and then crunchyroll was crunchyroll so in the end I just went to a random internet archive page this year to watch where I left off which was season 2ish I think. For all anything has said about RWBY critics wise and fandom wise and what not, i'm never going to forget the factor of watching volume 9 live and heading to social media to see what the reaction was during the episode when Neo had that horror show tea party only to see that a scene from that episode had caught the eye of a third unrelated party of people that were not rwby haters nor watchers who had a generally unintended reaction and it was entirely accidental and i went like "what in the goddamn" in response to both things. RWBY is a show that I like as long as I don't think too hard which is usually my default for a lot of things because otherwise I just sound like a critic nitpicking the entire show when it was initially just a bunch of cool fight scenes that were the appeal to me and the moment they tried putting more emphasis on the plot the more I thought "some of this is kinda iffy." I still like listening to the music, BBTAG was a neat inclusion, but its weird how RWBY seems built for an RPG and there still isn't one at all.

Watched a bit of Nisekoi, and why does this show’s male MC make me think he’s a girl just with that little accessory thing The only thing i know about this show is that the bow girl showed up in super Mario maker i think I’ve never seen a show actually do the toast in the mouth thing Knowing how this show works the girl that kicked him in the face is somehow going to be the lover From his past The animation is pretty, but this is a teenager, so now that I’m an adult I’m skeeved out. I thought the paper airplane in the intro was going to learn in the MC’s eye. It’s 20 episodes and I tend to want to sit through one thing so I guess I’m skipping over Naruto filler for a bit in my time slot.

i have yet to complete ape escape/sarugetchu but i like how games that have monkeys have some transcendental ass music like donkey kong country did not need to do all that for when he was riding a swordfish nobody has ever talked about the blue guy from 3 and tbh I forgot he existed when his girl counterpart is like a superidol magical girl he has nothing going on I never watched million monkeys so I have no clue who the brown hair girl was aside from having a missing dad? there was a kinect reboot or... idk. feels like once they got to 3 they kinda did whatever with the monkeys which i guess makes sense because there was like. a mario party academy game? pants vaccuming? was there a soccer game or did i confuse that with a different game i watched the anime once when i found random rips of it on youtube and they straight up don't have the protagonist from 2 ever appear in it like he was banished to hell or something Should I rewatch the episodes that are on youtube or clips? Kinda fascinating how it's apparently never been re-aired. Okay, that's all I have noted down for the middle of July. I'm still doing scattered site updates but hoping to get things done by the new deadline of the end of July since the June deadline didn't happen.